Every sy-fy rescue book ever.

You do a backflip, somehow magically knocking out the (ninja, pirate, assassin, spy, chupacabra) who was attacking you. Thank goodness for the fact that you had been training in (ninja, pirate, assassin, spy, chupacabra) contingency for the past years of your life. At last there is only one left. As you walk up to (him, it), (he, it) looks at you, “If I give you information will you spare me?”
                You shrug.
                “Your (father, sister, brother, mother, childhood best friend) still lives.”
                “No, they died in that fiery (car crash, plane crash, explosion, naga battle). How can they be alive?”
                “Did you ever see their (charred remains, toasty remains, very toasty remains, mildly gnawed on remains)?”
                “No, (I was too young, too scared, they only found a hand, I think the naga swallowed them).”
                “I have given you the information and now, rather than allowing you to let me go I will make a last, desperate attempt to kill you.”
                “Ok, I get a gun from somewhere and shoot you.”
                Along the way you will pick up a companion to help you with my quest to find your (father, sister, brother, mother, childhood best friend). (Select one), (Wise old man, young headstrong fool, loveable character with a past and sense of morals that makes you tear up (I’m looking at you Ed*), person who tries to hide appearance from you, kick butt person who seems to click with you). Now choose inevitable conclusion.
Wise Old Man
                He trains you well and dies right before you go to battle whatever caused the (car crash, plane crash, explosion, naga battle). They leave you with wise words and possibly a walking stick. You never do find the person that you seek, but instead a path to joy and knowledge of how you need to live life with wisdom. (I apologize if you could not hear this synopsis over the sound of my retching. Aurg self-fulfillment, it burns us precious, it burrrns.)
Young Headstrong Fool
                They die too. Sorry. After rushing foolhardily into battle they are grievously wounded, but give you the determination to continue on. You find the person that you were searching for (father, sister, brother, mother, childhood best friend), and head home. Oh yeah you bury him first, if you remember. What was his name again?
Loveable Character With a Past and Sense of Morals That Makes You Tear Up (I’m looking at you Ed)
                So very dead. I’m sorry, but they are doomed and you will cry. Like a baby. In a final act of awesome they sacrifice themselves to (hold the door, distract the baddie so you can kill them, pull the baddie into shark infested waters off the edge of endless cliffs onto rocks with them, take a killing blow meant for you). You bury them, or let little lizards have them, with purple ink. You then return to where you left from, and it is not clear if you achieve finding the (father, sister, brother, mother, childhood best friend) who you were looking for. It is assumed that you do, because it would be heartless to have their sacrifice be in vain. Did I mention tears?
Person Who Tries To Hide Appearance From You
                They’re the person you’re looking for. Although they don’t tell you until you’ve almost died half a dozen times saving their sorry-cloaked-butt. They didn’t tell you because of (really selective amnesia, they are a total jerk). But hey, at least you found them, except they then say goodbye to you and head off to find their destiny. You personally hope that they are eaten by dragons, or at least gnawed on a little bit.
Kick Butt Person Who Really Clicks With You
                They are of course the opposite sex as you, and stunningly (handsome, beautiful). You end up falling in love. In the battle with whatever caused the (car crash, plane crash, explosion, naga battle), they take a hit for you. It appears that they die, and then when you are wiping monster blood and tears off your boots they appear and comfort you. You get a nice little house and have kids. Wait, weren’t you supposed to be looking for someone?
So, yeah…
                There are very few guarantees that you actually find who you’re looking for. (Unless you work with the headstrong fool, I’ve crunched the numbers, you only have a 33.333 chance of this working, but at least its higher than average. Does anyone really need anything from this? Except shoulder pads.) Enjoy risking death and dismemberment for very little. I’m sure you get a shiny nickel somewhere. Have fun!
*A quick note for those of you who have not read the awesomeness of the Digger series this is what it is from (Ed is epic), you can find the awesome author’s blog here; http://www.redwombatstudio.com/blog/ (I’m not sure if this link works, so if you feel the need to read her blog just copy and paste) (you totally should).

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